FILMS: Find Me on LETTERBOXD

Are you a film buff like I am?

I recently stumbled upon the website Letterboxd where a person can catalog, track, rate, and comment on all of the movies that they have seen as well as make a watchlist of films they want to view. They can then connect with like-minded moviegoers and compare notes.

I'm connected there with my son Mitchell. We share a love and strong bond of watching movies together and discussing them. About 25 years ago, with my pal and colleague Ryan Reeves, we used to run a film club at Springfield College in Illinois (before the college was absorbed into Benedictine University and later permanently closed). It was one of my favorite memories and expediences of working at that college for those 20 years.

I'm still going through the website and cataloging the films that I have seen in my lifetime. I've got listed over 800 films so far, but I know that I've seen more than than over the last five decades or so. I will keep looking at lists and try to remember so that I can input them into the site.

Anyway, you can find me on Letterboxd and can connect with me with a follow if you like...

 

 

 

FILMS: GODZILLA MINUS ONE is a Great Film!

Yesterday I took the day off to take care of some personal matters and finished up early by lunchtime. With some free time now on my hands, I had an impromptu thought and called my son Mitch who met me for an afternoon matinee. We went to the IMAX Theater here locally and caught the Japanese film GODZILLA MINUS ONE by Toho Studios (it is a Japanese film with subtitles) to celebrate the 70th Anniversary of their iconic giant kaiju monster. WE LOVED THE FILM. WOW!!! One of the best films that I've seen in the past decade. The film begins at the ending of World War Two and is then set in postwar Japan that deals with the emergence of Godzilla. The look of the film is spectacular as a period piece and the touch points of the human experience is the best I've ever seen in any of the near 40 Godzilla films over the years. A real drama while still giving what I think was the best Godzilla portrayal. 10 out 10. And on a giant IMAX screen... um.... Godzilla is spectacular and frightening to view.

The one constant is change...

Has it truly been this long since I've blogged? Since 2011? 

Well, in that time, I made some major life decisions that began on June 1, 2011 when I decided to burn my written journal that I had been keeping for nearly 20 years. There were aspects of my life that felt incomplete... inauthentic... dreadful. I didn't want my children to one day find this book and read it. That was the impetus for me to burn it. I then reset my course, and tried to figure out a few things in my life. I had earned my black belt in karate and continued to practice. My work in comics as a writer and artist had been on hold since 2006. I just knew that I wanted to find direction, earn a graduate degree in order to help me in my profession by giving me the tools I needed to lead and hopefully help me earn better pay. 

In that time, I decided to go to graduate school where I earned my Master's Degree in Management and Organizational Behavior from the University that I am currently employed at as Manager of Marketing and Communications. When you're in that role and a spokesperson for the University, you really don't have the liberty to blog and just talk about any topic that you want in a forum like this as it would be picked apart and someone would worry that my opinion might reflect somehow on my employers. Not that I'm censored, but I have to watch just about anything I say and any social opinion that I want to express that may seem controversial or counter to the teachings, ideology, hallmarks, etc. etc. etc. It was easier to just not post a blog in order to "stay safe" in my job.

Somewhere there, while I was going to graduate school, things changed at the workplace, at home, and in the karate organization. Heck, things changed in my marriage and personal life. I realized that I had been living in a marriage that was inauthentic and disconnected. It felt that way to me and thus was MY reality. 

Don't get me wrong, I loved my wife and wanted this to truly be until death do us part, but I realized that the marriage had been dead along time before that going back to the first few years of it. I'm not going to sit here and tell you our dirty laundry out of respect and decorum. I know somewhere in there she loved me, but things were so dysfunctional between us. We separated in November 2012 after even she admitted were "17 years out of 20" of an unhappy marriage where we were divorced in October 2013 due to irreconcilable differences after technically 21 years of marriage, plus four years of dating previously to that, and the birth of two wonderful children. 

I'm still thankful for it all in those times and experiences. The good, the bad, and the ugly. It has made me who I am and where I am today. It wasn't all bad and ugly. There are parts of me that continue to miss her, but there are constant reminders that it wasn't healthy for either of us. 

I am sorry that my marriage failed, but it was necessary for us to both move on in order to live a more authentic life and find happiness. I want only the best for my ex-wife and friend. She is a wonderful mother. But we were terrible for one another as husband and wife. 

So, you see... life did throw me some curve balls since I've last blogged. A divorce. A graduate degree. I converted to Catholicism. And did I mention that I helped create a new karate organization with my fellow black belt pals? 

During the middle of going to graduate school, the karate organization that I was apart of had a falling out with the head sensei. It was truly too bad, because there were efforts made to patch things up and trying to fix things that did not happen. In the midst, a group of black belts decided it was time to leave this older organization and begin our own new karate organization where we shaped the mission, vision and values. It was probably one of the greatest things we did in continuously improving our art. But it too, was like a divorce in its own separation. 

I regret that in decision-making that concludes with parting of the ways between individuals... whether it was Shooting Stat Comics in 2006, the karate organization in 2011, or my marriage in 2012... it can be devastating to friendships and those you love. It is something that I have to live with and just pray that time will help heal. Forgiveness can happen. We can move on. 

The one constant is change. 

Change. I'm facing a world of change in my life right now. I wasn't forecasting this point in my life just five years ago when I earned my black belt in Yoshukai Karate. I'm in uncharted territory and I do not know where I will be a year from now or even five years from now. I'm sitting here in Daytona Beach, Florida right now as I write this. I'm on vacation with my two teenage children. This will perhaps be my last "hurrah" with my daughter as she is about to go off to college and enter adulthood. 

Change. I'm facing a world of change right now and it isn't anything I can blog about just yet. My cards are still being played close to my chest, but I am both excited and yet feel some anxiety that I must suppress and just let go. I must trust that I am taking the steps that I must now. And in this, I'm living a more authentic life, being the man I want to be, and I've unexpectedly learned to fall in love again during the midst of all of this. (Okay, I just showed a card).

My Karate Kid bow off the floor

I’ve been blogging on and off for over a decade now. At times, the things I write gets personal as I share some part of my life with the world out there. It feels like I’m venting into outer space. It is like placing a message in a bottle and you have no idea who in this world might read it. Someone you don’t know, perhaps YOU whom I’ve never met, reads some very personal matter in my life that most folks would keep to themselves and not share if they were normal folk.

You wonder sometimes if you will get a response back. Perhaps some message in a bottle floats right up to your own shore with a reply. But for me, I’m writing this right now to express my feelings and make sense of my thoughts.

I mean, how often are you told that it’s not good to put your business in the streets?

And here I am putting it out on the information highway.

Here is my message in a bottle today:

There is a part of me that grieves today, but at the same time, I’m going through a process of accepting change in my life and those of my children. I had to accept this change in order to keep healthy relationships with my family.

Five years ago, I returned to my study of karate after a seven year absence. At that time, my daughter joined me in the renewed venture. She went to the dojo with me night after night for a few years. It was helping her with her health and provided her mother and me with some comfort knowing that she could defend herself. She actually became very talented in her karate skills. At some point, all the demands of studying karate became too much for her as she progressed. She made a decision that she wanted to quit. As her father, feeling confident that she could defend herself under most circumstances, I was able to let her leave without much fuss. Sure, I encouraged her and tried to convince her to stay (mainly for the health reasons to stay fit), but I was unable to convince her. She had a mind of her own and was grown up enough to make her own personal decisions.

Almost four years ago, my younger child, also started karate. He was already very physically fit, but I saw that he needed the discipline and the ability to defend himself. I wanted him to also feel confident as he walked the halls at school if a bully should ever bother him that he would be able to take care of himself. I wanted to work on his character development, focus and discipline. As a father to a son, I wanted to help give him an edge to become a man.

Last night, he came to me with the notion that he wanted to quit karate. He has thought about this on and off for the last year, but last night, it was something he was sure about. My son was at a point that he was nearing a mile-marker where he would test for his brown belt. Over a year ago, I told him that for him to pass that test, it would be solely up to him if he wanted to earn that rank. He would want to have the desire and drive to practice his karate and train hard. It was up to him. Physically, he was there. Skill-wise, he was doing fine with his kata, sparring, self-defense, etc. But mentally (or emotionally), my son was not prepared to continue studying karate. His interests went elsewhere.

Karate involves the balance of mind, body and spirit. His mind pushed him and his body obeyed, but his karate spirit had left the journey. I appreciated the honesty and respect he showed in handling this maturely, but he let me know last night that he wanted to take an extended leave of absence from his karate training to pursue other interests in life that included baseball.

I love baseball. Don’t get me wrong. But I’m sad that my son won’t be going with me to the dojo to train any longer.

I could have forced him. There were times that I did in the past, but I knew last night, I had to let him quit and make up his own mind. I actually made him write an essay last night putting into words what he felt he learned from karate and explain why he was temporarily leaving. He did so and I know it was a difficult thing for him to do. But he did. He signed it and I’m keeping it for posterity.

Like his sister, he had a mind of his own and was grown up enough to make his own personal decisions.

He learned a lot from karate. I didn’t even have to read what he wrote. Still, it helped quantify it and keep it as a record for his future should he go back and re-read it one day. Maybe, hopefully, he will reconsider and relight that fire where he will want to study karate again.

Karate has helped shaped him into the young man he is now, but I know that I cannot force him to continue. It would damage our father-son relationship.

I see firsthand all the time how parents struggle with letting their kids quit from some sort of sport. The kids aren’t having fun, they have short attention spans, they want to play video games, they lose interest, they don’t like getting yelled at by coach, and they get embarrassed if they don’t score. Whatever the million reasons are. It is a part of life.

I had to ask myself if the decision to push him into staying in karate was going to be my decision or his, and then I realized at this point, this is his own journey and not mine. As difficult as this was for me, it was time to let him discover on his own what he wants to do, rather than me making the decision for him and pressuring him into becoming someone or something against his will. I led him to a point that he’s done well and I’m proud of him, but it is his decision.

I have to remember that this was difficult for him, too.

I studied karate from ages 12 to 17. I quit. I then studied karate from ages 26 to 29. I quit a second time. I returned. There is hope.

I was more mentally and spiritually prepared for karate as an adult and it was my body that has been tested to its limits. Karate, over the decades, has become such a huge part of my life that I can no longer separate it from my beliefs and what makes me tick. Karate is one of the major ingredients that make up the essence of my soul in who I am. It is more than punching or kicking. More than self-defense and feeling confident. It is so much more. Those that study budo arts and the philosophy understand.

Karate is much more than sport or a hobby. That was the thing that I’ve tried to instill into my kids. I still don’t know if it sunk in or not. I think perhaps the seeds were planted. We’ll see what happens in the future.

If anything, their time studying karate will have helped them in their own lives in some way and will have allowed them to perhaps understand their abnormal father just a little better.