My Karate Kid bow off the floor

I’ve been blogging on and off for over a decade now. At times, the things I write gets personal as I share some part of my life with the world out there. It feels like I’m venting into outer space. It is like placing a message in a bottle and you have no idea who in this world might read it. Someone you don’t know, perhaps YOU whom I’ve never met, reads some very personal matter in my life that most folks would keep to themselves and not share if they were normal folk.

You wonder sometimes if you will get a response back. Perhaps some message in a bottle floats right up to your own shore with a reply. But for me, I’m writing this right now to express my feelings and make sense of my thoughts.

I mean, how often are you told that it’s not good to put your business in the streets?

And here I am putting it out on the information highway.

Here is my message in a bottle today:

There is a part of me that grieves today, but at the same time, I’m going through a process of accepting change in my life and those of my children. I had to accept this change in order to keep healthy relationships with my family.

Five years ago, I returned to my study of karate after a seven year absence. At that time, my daughter joined me in the renewed venture. She went to the dojo with me night after night for a few years. It was helping her with her health and provided her mother and me with some comfort knowing that she could defend herself. She actually became very talented in her karate skills. At some point, all the demands of studying karate became too much for her as she progressed. She made a decision that she wanted to quit. As her father, feeling confident that she could defend herself under most circumstances, I was able to let her leave without much fuss. Sure, I encouraged her and tried to convince her to stay (mainly for the health reasons to stay fit), but I was unable to convince her. She had a mind of her own and was grown up enough to make her own personal decisions.

Almost four years ago, my younger child, also started karate. He was already very physically fit, but I saw that he needed the discipline and the ability to defend himself. I wanted him to also feel confident as he walked the halls at school if a bully should ever bother him that he would be able to take care of himself. I wanted to work on his character development, focus and discipline. As a father to a son, I wanted to help give him an edge to become a man.

Last night, he came to me with the notion that he wanted to quit karate. He has thought about this on and off for the last year, but last night, it was something he was sure about. My son was at a point that he was nearing a mile-marker where he would test for his brown belt. Over a year ago, I told him that for him to pass that test, it would be solely up to him if he wanted to earn that rank. He would want to have the desire and drive to practice his karate and train hard. It was up to him. Physically, he was there. Skill-wise, he was doing fine with his kata, sparring, self-defense, etc. But mentally (or emotionally), my son was not prepared to continue studying karate. His interests went elsewhere.

Karate involves the balance of mind, body and spirit. His mind pushed him and his body obeyed, but his karate spirit had left the journey. I appreciated the honesty and respect he showed in handling this maturely, but he let me know last night that he wanted to take an extended leave of absence from his karate training to pursue other interests in life that included baseball.

I love baseball. Don’t get me wrong. But I’m sad that my son won’t be going with me to the dojo to train any longer.

I could have forced him. There were times that I did in the past, but I knew last night, I had to let him quit and make up his own mind. I actually made him write an essay last night putting into words what he felt he learned from karate and explain why he was temporarily leaving. He did so and I know it was a difficult thing for him to do. But he did. He signed it and I’m keeping it for posterity.

Like his sister, he had a mind of his own and was grown up enough to make his own personal decisions.

He learned a lot from karate. I didn’t even have to read what he wrote. Still, it helped quantify it and keep it as a record for his future should he go back and re-read it one day. Maybe, hopefully, he will reconsider and relight that fire where he will want to study karate again.

Karate has helped shaped him into the young man he is now, but I know that I cannot force him to continue. It would damage our father-son relationship.

I see firsthand all the time how parents struggle with letting their kids quit from some sort of sport. The kids aren’t having fun, they have short attention spans, they want to play video games, they lose interest, they don’t like getting yelled at by coach, and they get embarrassed if they don’t score. Whatever the million reasons are. It is a part of life.

I had to ask myself if the decision to push him into staying in karate was going to be my decision or his, and then I realized at this point, this is his own journey and not mine. As difficult as this was for me, it was time to let him discover on his own what he wants to do, rather than me making the decision for him and pressuring him into becoming someone or something against his will. I led him to a point that he’s done well and I’m proud of him, but it is his decision.

I have to remember that this was difficult for him, too.

I studied karate from ages 12 to 17. I quit. I then studied karate from ages 26 to 29. I quit a second time. I returned. There is hope.

I was more mentally and spiritually prepared for karate as an adult and it was my body that has been tested to its limits. Karate, over the decades, has become such a huge part of my life that I can no longer separate it from my beliefs and what makes me tick. Karate is one of the major ingredients that make up the essence of my soul in who I am. It is more than punching or kicking. More than self-defense and feeling confident. It is so much more. Those that study budo arts and the philosophy understand.

Karate is much more than sport or a hobby. That was the thing that I’ve tried to instill into my kids. I still don’t know if it sunk in or not. I think perhaps the seeds were planted. We’ll see what happens in the future.

If anything, their time studying karate will have helped them in their own lives in some way and will have allowed them to perhaps understand their abnormal father just a little better.